A Heart Centered Life
healing the world one heart at a time

I’m always amazed by what life makes (especially when we have no idea what is actually happening behind the scenes) and how those minor and major upsets, often turn out to be huge blessings, bringing more to us than we could have ever imagined.

So, lets go back several months when (I THOUGHT) I was down on my luck:  I was almost 8 months pregnant when our cottage was flooded and the landlords followed up the event with an email suggesting my beloved and I find a new place to live.  We were devastated.  We were, for lack of a better description, SHOCKED, scared, and suddenly, homeless.  Our first stroke of luck came when we were able, last minute, to get into a sublet — but that was temporary and left us scrambling as we searched high and low to find a new place to live.  We were in the SF Bay, living on one income and found we could no longer afford to live there.  

As we weighed the odds and pondered our future, we discussed the possibility of returning to Portland where Sa’id had been born, we both had family and friends, and I had lived on and off throughout my twenties.  While it was not ideal for me (I was deeply vested in my life in the bay), I was aware that there was not a door opening for us there and it might be time to look at other options.  After countless sleepless nights and a baby that could come any day, we decided to go to Portland.  Grieving the loss of my home, my friends and clients, and the california sunshine, we put our things in a pod and headed north.

We arrived with a plan to stay, temporarily, with my friend Polly while we got our bearings, found a place to live, and had a chance to settled in.  We thought it would be weeks.  It turned out to be months.  And while there were certain difficulties we faced not having our own space, being at Polly’s was another blessing among many that made our transition doable and relatively stress free (though i will say moving to another city and leaving behind a life you’re deeply connected to during your 8 month in pregnancy is in no way, stress-free!)  

Sa’id struggled to find work and I grew increasingly scared, and more and more uncomfortable as i neared the end of my pregnancy.  Looking back, with the perspective I now have, i know it was a time of turning things over to God in a deeper way than I had previously been able to do.  It was a time to deepen my faith and have trust that there is a beneficent being out there, that loves me completely and meets my every need.  In allowing Him to be the One in charge takes so much worry out of my days.  My heart has been cleaned and I walk now, in closer proximity to The One I call God. When I felt helpless, He brought help, when fearful He soothed my mind, and when confused about why I was spending my nights away from ‘Paradise’ (my old haunts) with no place of my own to nest in and worried about why nothing had yet to open for us, He encouraged patience within me.  Turns out He was, as always, right! 

During our stay, Polly and I rekindled our friendship, got to know each others beloved’s, and my husband and I were granted the holy offering of giving birth in their home since we had not yet found a place of our own (which was an incredible experience I will write more about later).  

Looking back on those stressful months, I barely recognize them as mine.  Here I am, seven months later, feeling more blessed than I could have ever imagined.  We have finally landed in our own place–a beautiful new condo in the heart of Irvington neighborhood here in Portland, a stones throw away from everything we could possibly ever need.  I have a great job which allows me ample time with Sa’id and the little guy, and Sa’id has started school for music production, a life long dream of his (and much to his surprise, he’s finding he’s very good, though I never doubted his talents for a second!), and together, our relationship is thriving.  

I never could have imagined what I had to gain in letting go of a life that no longer suited me and my best interest (at least for now — I do hope to one day return to the California sun!).  I thank you God, and each and every person that has pitched in, sent prayers and have befriended us in our transition.  We could not have done it without the help of so many.

My husband is currently on a quest to find out what he’d like to do with the next chapter of his life.  I suggested that perhaps the better question to ask himself is:  Who am I? which then led me to asking myself the same question.  

Here is the answer I recieved:

I am not what has been done to me.  I am not the bad things I have done.  I am not an INFJ, what the strength finders test has assessed,  nor a scorpio with pisces rising and a libra moon.  I am, under all of those layers of identity and personality, a child of God.  Which makes me a sacred and holy being of light and Love.  Love, with a capital L – the kind that amounts to more than a moment of warm and fuzzy in my heart when my husband smiles at me, or I hear my child laugh, or the feeling of contentment that comes when I know I have done my best.  

There is a teaching in our spiritual lineage which states:  ”You think you are a small star, when in fact you contain the entire universe…”  I now see that I am in fact, that universe.  A part which contains the whole and the whole that is also a small and important part.  

Sufi’s have a spiritual practice called Dhikr, which is also known as Remembrance.  During this practice, we call the name Allah, One God, into our hearts.  I used to think i did this practice so that I could Remember Him, but I can now see how He, in His generosity (al-Karim), has given us this practice to remember Him, so we can also remember who we actually are.  

My thoughts then led me to the order in Islam to pray five times a day.  We do not pray five times a day for Allah, as He does not need our prayers, we pray five times because we need Him.  And again in His wisdom (al-Hakim) and generosity (al-Karim), He knew we would forget Him AND who we truly are, therefore He gave to us an opportunity to stop, five times throughout our often over busy and stress filled days, to be the Love that He created us to be and so that we may remember who we truly are, for and in Him.