A Heart Centered Life
healing the world one heart at a time

This ache sits right in the center of my chest.  It’s tighter on the left than it is on the right and its turning in on itself, hiding, not wanting to be seen.  With this ache comes fear and inability to let you in, but also, to let me out.  And so I sit, feeling small, lost, not knowing which way to go.  Turning left then right, shall i go this way or that?  I get all turned up inside of myself, my words get lost, and I let go (but not in a surrendering to God and all thats Great letting go) –  I simply give up.  While I’m in this mode, I sit, slightly disconnected from my life, watching days turn into weeks and weeks into months (and time goes so fast)  – but is THIS REALLY HOW I WANT TO BE?  

No, its not how I want to be, not from the smallness inside, nor from the larger part of me that I am only sometimes aware.  The larger part longs for, and nudges me ever so patiently, towards transparency and vulnerability, waiting for a willingness to be nude (for the whole world to see).  It encourages being alive, awake – When dear one will you finally be ready to be free?  

What will it take I wonder, to finally live in the certainty, to remember to Remember more than I slip, or fall face first, into forgetfulness?  In answer to this question, I am only half hearing, but hearing none the less, the commentator of the music station I’m listening to talk about a book she recently picked up at the airport.  What makes us extraordinary? … Focus, determination and hard work…

And so it seems, the answer comes:  Stay focused, work hard and be determined to break free of this ache, this inertia, this numbness.   Allow it to buzz you into discomfort, long enough for it to break. “Open yourself up to the love that has been knocking at your door,” I hear.

“See what needs doing and do it,” more background noise…I read a note from a beloved encouraging me to keep writing. Get an email from another saying the same.  Just for tonight, I will trust these messages, and I will, despite the ache in my chest, open myself up.  I will keep writing and I will let your love in.  I will choose joy and laughter, light and love.

And with this new found trust in you, and myself, perhaps I will move closer to living in the awareness of the Larger me that isnt afraid or feeling small, ever.

today is the day i’m starting the journey…MY FIRST BLOG…I’m not totally sure how exactly I got here tonight and started writing, but i’ll trust that it will be a place for me to meet, learn about, and continue my journey towards connecting with a larger circle, and sharing the insights that come through the comical, mundane and sometimes painful journey, of my life!

…today was tear-filled and those tears, for better or worse were long over due, therefore welcomed — I had a spat with my hubby which lead to a more than the usual tit for tat that typically encapsulates our worst days.  

Instead it was fully charged with anger, and insecurity run amok, which left us both feeling vulnerable and ‘delicate’ (our pee-wee word of the day).  And while we weathered the storm, i think there are still many layers of this particular place in our hearts that will continue to clear and heal over the next few days or weeks.  The place i’m speaking about is trust – or lack there-of – and the green-eyed monster that still has the power to occasionally wreck havoc on my otherwise confident self; and the crumbling feeling my husband experiences when he feels his integrity and character are called into question.  Once exposed, those tender places were violently dug up from their graves and in its it own way, undid each of us.  

He screamed, I ranted, and we both said things we later regretted.  it was brutal and raw and while quite uncomfortable and unexpected, did us both a bit of good I suspect.  Bec we’re both committed to this process of honesty and letting those tender places out to be loved, we are now holding on tightly to one another as we gently (and delicately) move closer together.  

I think this unwinding held a deep layer of healing for us both.  And while I cant speak for him, I know it helped me turn to face him (and myself) more completely and for that, I am grateful…Not to mention the fact that I’m now writing, after a long spell of creative drought, and so I give thanks for that mysterious piece of paper that lead to this mornings row, give gratitude for a man that constantly checks my insecurities and irrationalities, and will look forward to writing more on these topics and more next time!