Mar 6 2009

Are you able to say, “I love you.” to yourself, and mean it?

I was at my women’s group last night and one of the exercise we did was gently whisper, “I Love You” to ourselves.  It was as profound for each of us as it was different.  

I  noticed, much to my surprise, that this task was difficult for me at first.  I became aware that there are still places in my heart that are afraid to open fully to love, that don’t feel worthy of it.   It was a great way for me to get in touch, not only with the part of myself that needs more love and is afraid to say “Yes!” to it, but also the greater part of myself that is able to give it.  After continuing the practice at home later in the evening, I was able to reach a state of  awareness that opened to the Divine, who was saying, “I Love You” to all of me.  

When you sit quietly with the intention of giving love to yourself, what is your reaction?  Do you open immediately and feel the warmth of the love moving through you or do you find that you aren’t able to receive the love so easily?  What do you notice in your body as you take those words deeper into your heart?  What inner chatter do you begin to hear?  

Whatever your experience, honor it.  Be honest with yourself and if find you are having a hard time opening to the love you are offering yourself (or the love others give), reach out and share it with someone you trust.  The simple act of acknowledging the difficulty of opening to love will allow it to move, change and heal.  

If you aren’t in a position to ask for help from a trusted friend or partner, say a sincere prayer, asking God to give love to your heart and the places inside you that are unable to receive the love you are giving yourself.  Be gentle with yourself and do something kind for yourself or another, to remember there is love available and you and that you do have access to it, even if there are places that resist receiving it.

If you happen to be in a state where the love is flowing freely, open yourself to it, allowing it to fill you with warmth and peace.  Be grateful and once you are full, share it with someone you know who needs it, as this will keep the love flowing freely in you and will open the same flow in others.  The more you give, the more you will have.  

If you haven’t yet opened from self love and the love you feel for and from others, to Divine Love, try opening more deeply to this.  Ask God to show you His love for you and then learn to swim in that river.

No matter what state you are in this moment, try not to judge it, and know that whatever you are feeling in this moment is the perfect place for you to be.  Honor it, face it and walk with it, whatever that may be.

My prayer for you:

Dear God I pray that you are able to open our hearts to the love you have intended for our lives.  I ask you to help us to feel completely safe, in giving and receiving Your love and the love that comes from our families, friends and self.  Help us to be gentle with ourselves and one another and to be at peace with whatever you make for our lives.  Amin.

no comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in A Heart Centered Life

Mar 3 2009

When down and out, turns up

I’m always amazed by what life makes (especially when we have no idea what is actually happening behind the scenes) and how those minor and major upsets, often turn out to be huge blessings, bringing more to us than we could have ever imagined.

So, lets go back several months when (I THOUGHT) I was down on my luck:  I was almost 8 months pregnant when our cottage was flooded and the landlords followed up the event with an email suggesting my beloved and I find a new place to live.  We were devastated.  We were, for lack of a better description, SHOCKED, scared, and suddenly, homeless.  Our first stroke of luck came when we were able, last minute, to get into a sublet — but that was temporary and left us scrambling as we searched high and low to find a new place to live.  We were in the SF Bay, living on one income and found we could no longer afford to live there.  

As we weighed the odds and pondered our future, we discussed the possibility of returning to Portland where Sa’id had been born, we both had family and friends, and I had lived on and off throughout my twenties.  While it was not ideal for me (I was deeply vested in my life in the bay), I was aware that there was not a door opening for us there and it might be time to look at other options.  After countless sleepless nights and a baby that could come any day, we decided to go to Portland.  Grieving the loss of my home, my friends and clients, and the california sunshine, we put our things in a pod and headed north.

We arrived with a plan to stay, temporarily, with my friend Polly while we got our bearings, found a place to live, and had a chance to settled in.  We thought it would be weeks.  It turned out to be months.  And while there were certain difficulties we faced not having our own space, being at Polly’s was another blessing among many that made our transition doable and relatively stress free (though i will say moving to another city and leaving behind a life you’re deeply connected to during your 8 month in pregnancy is in no way, stress-free!)  

Sa’id struggled to find work and I grew increasingly scared, and more and more uncomfortable as i neared the end of my pregnancy.  Looking back, with the perspective I now have, i know it was a time of turning things over to God in a deeper way than I had previously been able to do.  It was a time to deepen my faith and have trust that there is a beneficent being out there, that loves me completely and meets my every need.  In allowing Him to be the One in charge takes so much worry out of my days.  My heart has been cleaned and I walk now, in closer proximity to The One I call God. When I felt helpless, He brought help, when fearful He soothed my mind, and when confused about why I was spending my nights away from ‘Paradise’ (my old haunts) with no place of my own to nest in and worried about why nothing had yet to open for us, He encouraged patience within me.  Turns out He was, as always, right! 

During our stay, Polly and I rekindled our friendship, got to know each others beloved’s, and my husband and I were granted the holy offering of giving birth in their home since we had not yet found a place of our own (which was an incredible experience I will write more about later).  

Looking back on those stressful months, I barely recognize them as mine.  Here I am, seven months later, feeling more blessed than I could have ever imagined.  We have finally landed in our own place–a beautiful new condo in the heart of Irvington neighborhood here in Portland, a stones throw away from everything we could possibly ever need.  I have a great job which allows me ample time with Sa’id and the little guy, and Sa’id has started school for music production, a life long dream of his (and much to his surprise, he’s finding he’s very good, though I never doubted his talents for a second!), and together, our relationship is thriving.  

I never could have imagined what I had to gain in letting go of a life that no longer suited me and my best interest (at least for now — I do hope to one day return to the California sun!).  I thank you God, and each and every person that has pitched in, sent prayers and have befriended us in our transition.  We could not have done it without the help of so many.

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Personal Musings

Mar 3 2009

My 10 month old teacher

As a new mom, who works part-time (and desperately misses the shining sun), I am often exhausted.  I move through my days, feeling the pull of my clients, my husband, that still small voice inside of myself urging me not to forget who I am as a woman, and the constant needs of my ten month old son. 

 

Usually and with a stroke of luck, I am able to find a nice balance, which continues to nourish myself, and my family. Yet, there are other times when I simply can’t, and last night was one such night.  My son is on his second round of the virus that has recently hit the Pacific Northwest and I’ve lost track of how many nights we’ve gone with interrupted sleep.  I am in the red – my own personal danger zone, with a temper shorter than usual and a less than desirable and nearly depleted reserve of patience.

 

When I heard Ahmed cry for the third time in 3 hours, I felt the frustration rising inside of me, but I had to go to him, doing my best to sooth him and help him feel secure and cared for.  While reaching down into his crib to reassure him, a wave of desperation flooded me.  I didn’t feel like I had it in me to give what he needed, and yet, it is my job, as his mother, to care for him, to give to him, especially when he isn’t feeling well.  After scooping him up and feeling the fire inside of myself, I took a deep breath, and held him tightly to my chest as he nursed himself back to sleep. 

 

As he did so, I realized that I too am needy, and in that moment my 10 month old son became my teacher. He was the perfect mirror –  that very same thread of neediness resides inside of me.  A thread that needs, constantly and deeply, for reassurance that things are going to be ok; that in spite of these long days and sleepless nights, the stress of the economy and the pressure I feel to make enough money to care for my family’s needs (did I mention my husband has been out of work for most of this year?), that we will not only survive, but somehow thrive. 

 

It was in that moment, over the labored breathing of my son, that I had an inspired ah-ha moment, and I was then able to shift my awareness from the depletion and frustration to one of silent prayer.  I turned my heart from the dark of the night, to the light that burns deep inside of me and instantly I felt relief.  It was a great reminder to me that there is a force far greater than myself that does indeed care for my every need, and I was in that moment, able to open up and receive it.

 

no comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,