My 10 month old teacher
As a new mom, who works part-time (and desperately misses the shining sun), I am often exhausted. I move through my days, feeling the pull of my clients, my husband, that still small voice inside of myself urging me not to forget who I am as a woman, and the constant needs of my ten month old son.
Usually and with a stroke of luck, I am able to find a nice balance, which continues to nourish myself, and my family. Yet, there are other times when I simply can’t, and last night was one such night. My son is on his second round of the virus that has recently hit the Pacific Northwest and I’ve lost track of how many nights we’ve gone with interrupted sleep. I am in the red – my own personal danger zone, with a temper shorter than usual and a less than desirable and nearly depleted reserve of patience.
When I heard Ahmed cry for the third time in 3 hours, I felt the frustration rising inside of me, but I had to go to him, doing my best to sooth him and help him feel secure and cared for. While reaching down into his crib to reassure him, a wave of desperation flooded me. I didn’t feel like I had it in me to give what he needed, and yet, it is my job, as his mother, to care for him, to give to him, especially when he isn’t feeling well. After scooping him up and feeling the fire inside of myself, I took a deep breath, and held him tightly to my chest as he nursed himself back to sleep.
As he did so, I realized that I too am needy, and in that moment my 10 month old son became my teacher. He was the perfect mirror – that very same thread of neediness resides inside of me. A thread that needs, constantly and deeply, for reassurance that things are going to be ok; that in spite of these long days and sleepless nights, the stress of the economy and the pressure I feel to make enough money to care for my family’s needs (did I mention my husband has been out of work for most of this year?), that we will not only survive, but somehow thrive.
It was in that moment, over the labored breathing of my son, that I had an inspired ah-ha moment, and I was then able to shift my awareness from the depletion and frustration to one of silent prayer. I turned my heart from the dark of the night, to the light that burns deep inside of me and instantly I felt relief. It was a great reminder to me that there is a force far greater than myself that does indeed care for my every need, and I was in that moment, able to open up and receive it.