There is an ache in my chest
This ache sits right in the center of my chest. It’s tighter on the left than it is on the right and its turning in on itself, hiding, not wanting to be seen. With this ache comes fear and inability to let you in, but also, to let me out. And so I sit, feeling small, lost, not knowing which way to go. Turning left then right, shall i go this way or that? I get all turned up inside of myself, my words get lost, and I let go (but not in a surrendering to God and all thats Great letting go) – I simply give up. While I’m in this mode, I sit, slightly disconnected from my life, watching days turn into weeks and weeks into months (and time goes so fast) – but is THIS REALLY HOW I WANT TO BE?
No, its not how I want to be, not from the smallness inside, nor from the larger part of me that I am only sometimes aware. The larger part longs for, and nudges me ever so patiently, towards transparency and vulnerability, waiting for a willingness to be nude (for the whole world to see). It encourages being alive, awake – When dear one will you finally be ready to be free?
What will it take I wonder, to finally live in the certainty, to remember to Remember more than I slip, or fall face first, into forgetfulness? In answer to this question, I am only half hearing, but hearing none the less, the commentator of the music station I’m listening to talk about a book she recently picked up at the airport. What makes us extraordinary? … Focus, determination and hard work…
And so it seems, the answer comes: Stay focused, work hard and be determined to break free of this ache, this inertia, this numbness. Allow it to buzz you into discomfort, long enough for it to break. “Open yourself up to the love that has been knocking at your door,” I hear.
“See what needs doing and do it,” more background noise…I read a note from a beloved encouraging me to keep writing. Get an email from another saying the same. Just for tonight, I will trust these messages, and I will, despite the ache in my chest, open myself up. I will keep writing and I will let your love in. I will choose joy and laughter, light and love.
And with this new found trust in you, and myself, perhaps I will move closer to living in the awareness of the Larger me that isnt afraid or feeling small, ever.